Grandad sorts the bank out

Featured in the December 2009 handbook.

Grandad was talking to his friend Tommy when Tommy told him that his bank had charged him £35 for bouncing a cheque, that he had paid to the plumber, just because his pension was late being paid into his bank account and therefore he didnít have enough in he account to cover the cheque, he asked Grandad what could he do about it. Grandad told him ďleave it to me, Iíll write a letter that you can send to the bankĒ. This is the letter Grandad wrote

Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque which I endeavoured to pay my plumber with. By my calculations three seconds must have elapsed between him presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer of course to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement which I admit, has only been in place for 8 years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £35 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank, or should I say MY bank, because I do believe that, along with a few million other people, I actually now own a very large part of the bank. Therefore this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I notice that whenever I personally attend to your telephone calls or letters, you know the ones that you make to me trying to sell me this service or that service or especially the ones where you ask me to ring the bank, I am confronted with a pre-recorded faceless entity who then proceeds to ask me to press this number then that number. Well from now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My insurance and loan payments will hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Please be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act, for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which your chosen employee is required to complete. I am sorry it runs to 12 pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor and the mandatory details of his or her financial situation (Income ,Debts, Assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he or she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 24 digits but, again I have modelled the number on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone banking service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows.

1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am in there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am in there. 6. To leave a message in case I am out. 7. To return to the main menu and listen to the options again. 8. To make a general complaint or inquiry, if you press this button you will be put on hold whilst I play you a selection of Dickie Valentine or Frankie Vaughan records or possibly an Alma Cogan CD. If it is

the latter, this will entail a 46 minute wait simply because it is a CD. Should you experience any difficulty at all then press button number 9. This will automatically transfer you through to a colleague of mine in India, where, when you speak to them they will have absolutely no idea what you are after and suggest that you start the whole process all over again.

That just about covers everything, except to say, regrettably, but again following your example, I must levy a fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. To conclude may I wish you a very Merry Christmas and an ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Of course you could choose to ignore all of the above and instruct your staff you use their common sense in future.

Your Humble Client.

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